Like Thalia, I'm sighing. You know I know the people-pleasing cycle of experience, Gail. I had to train myself to interrupt, which doesn't come naturally (and the talker, in my experience, doesn't detect the intrusion). I'll be curious to see what you try and how it works!
Ah! I am a terrible interrupter! I guess I was trained that doing so is bad manners? I like that you point out that the talker doesn’t detect the intrusion!
I have an idea for our next conversation… What happens when I come prepared with a topic and some questions instead of just “winging it”?
Stay tuned.
Also… would you please post a link to your blog for any other “people pleasers” who might want to dive deeper?
Gail, you're so kind to give me an opening for a link. Here's a good page on my website: https://karendebonis.com/people-pleasing-101/ I've been barreling down the final, final, REALLY final manuscript revisions in hopes of handing it off to my publisher on Monday. It's going to be tight. I look forward to hearing how your prepared topics and questions works out!
A former employer once commented, “You can only say ‘I can’t believe he did...whatever’ one time. The next occurrence doesn’t qualify for another comment like this.”
When I find myself genuinely saying, “I can’t believe” it benefits me to examine my surprise. Or the motives of the other’s behavior. Look for the “conjoined-twin”emotional baggage that provided the set up? AAA? Awareness, acceptance, action.
It strikes me that avoiding judgement could be a good starting point. A friend once offered, “There are only two states of being. Disturbed and undisturbed.”
Is it possible, without being snarky, to say the next time, “Let’s have a conversation!” to the non-lobber?
I must confess that I’m nearly as delighted as Tal to hear there’s paddle boarding up ahead! It occurred to me that taking selfies while on the board may be difficult. As I’ve seen none, and if you don’t mind my asking, what is your preferred attire? Temperature dependent I imagine?! Barefoot? A swim cap like those in Esther Williams’ era?🙃
Your opening paragraph reminds me of the maxim: Don’t listen to what they say… pay attention to what they do. We (humans) are surely a bundle of contradictions? Sometimes (Often?) “doing” outside the scope of our values?
In recent years, I have begun accepting responsibility for everything that “happens to me”. If things are not to my liking, it is my responsibility to determine the cause and experiment to see what might change how I interact with reality.
Avoiding judgement is no hat trick, but is quite rewarding. When I make internal shifts that open problem into possibility… there is no greater feeling.
Oh! Already home from the paddle. As I regain my energy from last week’s chemo, I found inflating the board and stand-paddling to be exhausting. Grateful for naps!
It’s warm… barefoot in a swimsuit although I only got my legs wet when I sat and dangled them. No hair yet… still wearing head scarves.
That’s a sweeping report! A good one (for it’s thoroughness) but I know you are quite ready to feel like full speed ahead!
You know my propensity to be a nostalgic jukebox, right? When I asked how you prep for paddle boarding, I thought of a swim cap from Esther Williams’ days. Which prompted images of some current TikTok influencers dancing. So that gave way to the golden oldie, Walk like An Egyptian!
No swim caps but some maneuvers that resembled some TikTokkers. The song was banned from air play in Great Britain for “cultural insensitivity” tho’ it was to avoid anything that could feed into tensions in the MidEast that were extant. 🤷🏽 Prudent perhaps. I don’t think “The Bangles” we’re making a political statement...
I like your comment on taking responsibility “when things happen to you.” Eckhart Tolle discussed similar situations. He encouraged the aggrieved person to see three outcomes (and stop grousing): 1 can I live with this situation? 2 can I in any way change this situation? 3 if this is both intolerable and resistant to change, can I walk away?
Therapists used to apply the term “secondary gain” to a patient’s resistance to addressing their dilemma or neurosis. The implication was that at a usually subconscious level the patient was reliving, possibly validating, a long held negative belief about themselves. Self fulfilling prophecy. That afforded a sense of being “right” about how their lives work!
A bundle of contradictions you say?! 🤚 Weary though you may feel, your noggin’ is rockin’!
BUTTON: “Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.” 😁
Although a non-stop talker wouldn't necessarily be stupid... maybe more just not self-aware?
I was raised with a "never interrupt!" standard (must be a midwest politeness thing); here in south central Pennsylvania, interruption is the norm, and the conversation will (presumably) fall back to the previous topic once the interruptor is done. The assumption seems to be:
"Why did you interrupt me? Couldn't you wait until later?"
"What if I forgot it?"
"Then it wasn't that important!"
"Well, if YOUR thing was so important, why can't YOU remember it later?"
I follow an Instagram poster who talks about setting boundaries. For much of my life, I had very few. It was as if my sole purpose here on earth was to make sure no feathers were ruffled and everyone but me was comfortable and happy. 🤦♀️ Apparently, I’m one among many.
That said, kindness is a core value of mine. I’ll likely be dancing the kindness/set boundaries two-step for years to come. Changing oneself is slow, courageous work that’s worth every step.
Are you comfortable interrupting conversants who do not volley the ball across the net Jack? I feel you are a keen observer of yourself and life. I’m reluctant to generalize, but I tend to think of women as “pleasers” more than men.
I try to be alert to... "fragile" speakers? Folks who do not like to talk, and can be dissuaded by the smallest things. They don't like to be the center of attention, or they've learned that nothing they say is important, or they worry about being told they're wrong, or they're just young. I like to give them smiles, and my rapt attention, and my silence until they're done. In similar situations Deb practices "active listening," where she makes encouraging noises or "oh, I know!" or "oh, me too I hate when that happens" or similar quick interjections. And yes, the fragile speakers are almost always female, whether at meetings or family gatherings.
When I'm surrounded by interrupters, I've adopted the "stiletto remark" (so called by someone in an old singles cooking group I belonged to, where I refined it) where I make a fast comment — usually ironic — in the space between sentences. Then I put on my innocent face. 😇
An old friend of Deb's (they've known each other for decades) stayed at our house a couple weeks ago, and the two talked nonstop [or so it felt] and interrupted each other CONSTANTLY ("That's how we talk, Jackster!"). I found I had to raise my hand to get noticed (sometimes took a little while 🙄) to ask important (IMHO) questions like, "Anybody ready for supper?"
This is another interesting post Gail, v thought-provoking. I too find it difficult to interrupt and take up some space - consequently I cannot abide the advice to be a ‘good listener’ as a strategy for social interaction for those of us who are more reticent/ hesitant / shy. Sure there are times when that is the right thing to be, but it’s not good to position oneself always as the ‘receptacle’. I’m v interested in your strategies regarding this.
There are many qualities in this person that I admire. He is open to feedback and contemplates the information he receives with a discerning and thoughtful mind.
The only thing holding me back from expressing my… complaint? is my own fear. How interesting! What on earth am I afraid of?
Another reader once offered this acronym for FEAR: false evidence appearing real
I do love to write about my learnings! Let us see what happens after next week’s call.
Like Thalia, I'm sighing. You know I know the people-pleasing cycle of experience, Gail. I had to train myself to interrupt, which doesn't come naturally (and the talker, in my experience, doesn't detect the intrusion). I'll be curious to see what you try and how it works!
Ah! I am a terrible interrupter! I guess I was trained that doing so is bad manners? I like that you point out that the talker doesn’t detect the intrusion!
I have an idea for our next conversation… What happens when I come prepared with a topic and some questions instead of just “winging it”?
Stay tuned.
Also… would you please post a link to your blog for any other “people pleasers” who might want to dive deeper?
Gail, you're so kind to give me an opening for a link. Here's a good page on my website: https://karendebonis.com/people-pleasing-101/ I've been barreling down the final, final, REALLY final manuscript revisions in hopes of handing it off to my publisher on Monday. It's going to be tight. I look forward to hearing how your prepared topics and questions works out!
A former employer once commented, “You can only say ‘I can’t believe he did...whatever’ one time. The next occurrence doesn’t qualify for another comment like this.”
When I find myself genuinely saying, “I can’t believe” it benefits me to examine my surprise. Or the motives of the other’s behavior. Look for the “conjoined-twin”emotional baggage that provided the set up? AAA? Awareness, acceptance, action.
It strikes me that avoiding judgement could be a good starting point. A friend once offered, “There are only two states of being. Disturbed and undisturbed.”
Is it possible, without being snarky, to say the next time, “Let’s have a conversation!” to the non-lobber?
I must confess that I’m nearly as delighted as Tal to hear there’s paddle boarding up ahead! It occurred to me that taking selfies while on the board may be difficult. As I’ve seen none, and if you don’t mind my asking, what is your preferred attire? Temperature dependent I imagine?! Barefoot? A swim cap like those in Esther Williams’ era?🙃
Have a grand time of it!
Your opening paragraph reminds me of the maxim: Don’t listen to what they say… pay attention to what they do. We (humans) are surely a bundle of contradictions? Sometimes (Often?) “doing” outside the scope of our values?
In recent years, I have begun accepting responsibility for everything that “happens to me”. If things are not to my liking, it is my responsibility to determine the cause and experiment to see what might change how I interact with reality.
Avoiding judgement is no hat trick, but is quite rewarding. When I make internal shifts that open problem into possibility… there is no greater feeling.
Oh! Already home from the paddle. As I regain my energy from last week’s chemo, I found inflating the board and stand-paddling to be exhausting. Grateful for naps!
It’s warm… barefoot in a swimsuit although I only got my legs wet when I sat and dangled them. No hair yet… still wearing head scarves.
That’s a sweeping report! A good one (for it’s thoroughness) but I know you are quite ready to feel like full speed ahead!
You know my propensity to be a nostalgic jukebox, right? When I asked how you prep for paddle boarding, I thought of a swim cap from Esther Williams’ days. Which prompted images of some current TikTok influencers dancing. So that gave way to the golden oldie, Walk like An Egyptian!
No swim caps but some maneuvers that resembled some TikTokkers. The song was banned from air play in Great Britain for “cultural insensitivity” tho’ it was to avoid anything that could feed into tensions in the MidEast that were extant. 🤷🏽 Prudent perhaps. I don’t think “The Bangles” we’re making a political statement...
I like your comment on taking responsibility “when things happen to you.” Eckhart Tolle discussed similar situations. He encouraged the aggrieved person to see three outcomes (and stop grousing): 1 can I live with this situation? 2 can I in any way change this situation? 3 if this is both intolerable and resistant to change, can I walk away?
Therapists used to apply the term “secondary gain” to a patient’s resistance to addressing their dilemma or neurosis. The implication was that at a usually subconscious level the patient was reliving, possibly validating, a long held negative belief about themselves. Self fulfilling prophecy. That afforded a sense of being “right” about how their lives work!
A bundle of contradictions you say?! 🤚 Weary though you may feel, your noggin’ is rockin’!
😊 Thanks Gary!
Gary - I'm intrigued by your “conjoined-twin emotional baggage" concept. Can you elaborate?
BUTTON: “Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.” 😁
Although a non-stop talker wouldn't necessarily be stupid... maybe more just not self-aware?
I was raised with a "never interrupt!" standard (must be a midwest politeness thing); here in south central Pennsylvania, interruption is the norm, and the conversation will (presumably) fall back to the previous topic once the interruptor is done. The assumption seems to be:
"Why did you interrupt me? Couldn't you wait until later?"
"What if I forgot it?"
"Then it wasn't that important!"
"Well, if YOUR thing was so important, why can't YOU remember it later?"
I follow an Instagram poster who talks about setting boundaries. For much of my life, I had very few. It was as if my sole purpose here on earth was to make sure no feathers were ruffled and everyone but me was comfortable and happy. 🤦♀️ Apparently, I’m one among many.
That said, kindness is a core value of mine. I’ll likely be dancing the kindness/set boundaries two-step for years to come. Changing oneself is slow, courageous work that’s worth every step.
Are you comfortable interrupting conversants who do not volley the ball across the net Jack? I feel you are a keen observer of yourself and life. I’m reluctant to generalize, but I tend to think of women as “pleasers” more than men.
I try to be alert to... "fragile" speakers? Folks who do not like to talk, and can be dissuaded by the smallest things. They don't like to be the center of attention, or they've learned that nothing they say is important, or they worry about being told they're wrong, or they're just young. I like to give them smiles, and my rapt attention, and my silence until they're done. In similar situations Deb practices "active listening," where she makes encouraging noises or "oh, I know!" or "oh, me too I hate when that happens" or similar quick interjections. And yes, the fragile speakers are almost always female, whether at meetings or family gatherings.
When I'm surrounded by interrupters, I've adopted the "stiletto remark" (so called by someone in an old singles cooking group I belonged to, where I refined it) where I make a fast comment — usually ironic — in the space between sentences. Then I put on my innocent face. 😇
An old friend of Deb's (they've known each other for decades) stayed at our house a couple weeks ago, and the two talked nonstop [or so it felt] and interrupted each other CONSTANTLY ("That's how we talk, Jackster!"). I found I had to raise my hand to get noticed (sometimes took a little while 🙄) to ask important (IMHO) questions like, "Anybody ready for supper?"
And this is why you and Deb are an “empower-couple”. Love to you both! 🤗
That was a broad reference to dynamics that can develop in personal relationships or work settings. Or families of origin. Thanks for your inquiry!
This is another interesting post Gail, v thought-provoking. I too find it difficult to interrupt and take up some space - consequently I cannot abide the advice to be a ‘good listener’ as a strategy for social interaction for those of us who are more reticent/ hesitant / shy. Sure there are times when that is the right thing to be, but it’s not good to position oneself always as the ‘receptacle’. I’m v interested in your strategies regarding this.
Thank you Margaret.
There are many qualities in this person that I admire. He is open to feedback and contemplates the information he receives with a discerning and thoughtful mind.
The only thing holding me back from expressing my… complaint? is my own fear. How interesting! What on earth am I afraid of?
Another reader once offered this acronym for FEAR: false evidence appearing real
I do love to write about my learnings! Let us see what happens after next week’s call.